Did Alex Jones just agree to shut down Infowars, and pay Sandy Hook families $1.5 billion in damages?!
How Alex Jones Came To Shut Down Infowars!
Alex Jones has finally seen the light! After praying at a church for the first time in his life on Easter Sunday, the notorious far-right and alt-right conspiracy theorist decided to shut down Infowars for good! He also promised to pay the Sandy Hook families the $1.5 billion in damages he tried to avoid earlier.
Amazingly, his path to redemption started with his deep distrust of his wife, Erika Wulff. When she took their daughter to an Easter Sunday celebration, he suspected that she was really there to get a little sugar from the new pastor, who was quite the hunk!
So he sent one of his trusted Infowars employees to follow her car from a distance, and another to join the Easter Sunday celebration with his family. The two-pronged strategy appeared to hit pay dirt, when one of them spotted Erika and her daughter disappear into the sacristy while looking for Easter eggs.
On receiving the message, Alex Jones rushed over to the church with his Bushmaster XM15-E2S and Glock 20SF, and a trench coat to hide them in. But Easter Sunday traffic slowed him down, and by the time he arrived, the Easter egg hunt was over, and people were filing in for the second service.
He spotted his wife and daughter in the front, but kept his peace – he didn’t want to start his own Sandy Hook “action”, without first catching his wife “in flagrante delicto”. So he sat quietly at the back, and waited for the opportune moment.
The pastor came forth to start the service, and Alex Jones could not help admiring how he was incredibly attractive. So young and fit. He looks like he has a six pack, and quite a dong, Jones thought to himself, before realising awkwardly that he started to get an erection.
Pressing his legs together to stifle his growing tumescence, Jones could not help listening to the hot young pastor speak about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ, and what it meant. It was the first time he had ever heard the whole story and its significance. He always thought Jesus was crucified because he was a Casanova who got caught with a Roman noble lady!
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At the end of the sermon, Alex Jones was hit by three epiphanies. First, he realised he could not stop thinking about the hot pastor and that he might actually be gay, or at least bisexual. Secondly, he realised it is possible for his own moral “rebirth” if he just confess to his sins and repent. Finally, he realised how close he came to easily killing strangers out of (misplaced?) jealousy using legally-purchased firearms.
He sat stunned and speechless for the first time in his life, as people filed out of church. That’s when his wife and daughter spotted him looking catatonic, but with tears streaming down his fat cheeks, and wearing a black trench coat. His two Infowars employees also noticed that he wasn’t quite himself, and came over.
When they realised he was “packing heat”, Erika ordered them to quickly carry him to his car before people were aware that he almost wanted to commit mass murder. Heck, he could still do it, if they didn’t hurry!
They didn’t have to worry, because Alex Jones was not able to do anything but sob like the insecure little boy he always was, but with his eyes finally opened by his three epiphanies. What an awkward scene it was as they struggled to help him to his car, with people staring and wondering why he was bawling like a baby.
Alex Jones Decides To Shut Down Infowars!
When he got home, he ran to his computer on which he wrote so many fake stories. He wrote confession after confession – to his readers, to his family, and to the many people he falsely wrote about, and asked for their forgiveness.
He also asked his estranged family for forgiveness, and admitted that he was lying when he said he forgot details about his children because he ate too much chili. He sure loves chili, but it never made him forget anything.
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Then he told his employees that he would be shutting down Infowars for good, and offered them all six-months severance if they agreed to never write or post fake news again.
Alex Jones also wrote to the families of mass murders that he accused of faking their deaths, and said that he would no longer stonewall their lawsuits, and will gladly pay them what they were asking for. He was a billionaire, and even after paying everyone, he would have plenty of money left.
He then pledged to donate the rest of his money to charities, and will dedicate the rest of his life to stop the proliferation of fake news and guns in the United States.
That was when Alex Jones woke up in cold sweat, with a sense of impending doom. He tried to reach out to his laptop, as he felt the ache in his chest grow and spread down his left arm. If he could just reach it…
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