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Empire23's Xmas 2006 Wish List
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Number 9 - An Army of Killer Penguins

Seriously, who needs a missile launcher that spews duds when you can get something far better... like an army of killer MISSILE LAUNCHING penguins!

Yes, I know this idea was stolen from Batman Returns, but it's just too awesome to give up. I've thought about many other things with rockets on them, even Gundams on rockets but was sadly disappointed (See figure 2).

Besides, this wish is still more attainable than Ken's wish of the dingy sponge launcher. With the sloppy security around zoos these days, and rocket formulas that can be built with off-the-shelf chemicals, how hard can this wish get anyway?

It should be like a stroll in the proverbial park, and not to mention, far cheaper! Now you may question the need for penguins with rockets strapped to their backs, but let me assure you that they're always relevant! Don't believe me?

For penguins,
For rockets,

Here's a list of shit you can do with rocket-launching penguins :

  1. Launch preemptive strikes on evil Mat Rempits (motorcycle hooligans)
  1. Defensive Lawn Ornaments. No pooch is going to poop on your front yard now.
  1. Launch them in protest of the immoral increases in fuel prices!
  1. Bring them around as pets. Chicks dig penguins, especially ones with rocket launchers.
  1. Finally, win one of Tech ARP's contests. Adrian will give that shiny new ASUS EN7600GT to you provided you have enough rockets aimed at his house.


Number 8 - DVD Utility

HAHA! I laugh at Ken's pathetic need for an 8GB iPod Nano. It's small and... well, the point is that it's small, ok?!

Come on guys, it's not even useful. We'd like to imagine ourselves exercising or being active with iPod Nanos like we we see in Apple commercials. But the reality is most of us use our iPods while pigging out on greasy crap filled with transfat.

So, I give you a gift that has true utility, one that has no parallel in versatility and use, a veritable panacea for DVD lovers the world over, and me. of course.

May I present... THE DVD REWINDER!

I can't tell you the amount of frustration I could have saved in life if I had this miracle of a product.

To tell you the truth, it's just one of those things I would really love, especially when it comes to watching Titanic over and over again just to catch a glimpse of Kate Winslet's boobies.

This is just one of those products that really revolutionizes the DVD watching experience! And heck, it's cheaper than an iPod and damn well more useful!

Plus it comes with a Centripetal Velocity Spindle, providing the world's fastest DVD rewind! Beat that, Steve Jobs!

For the DVD Rewinder, visit


Number 7 - A Huge Fish

Question is, who DOESN'T want a freaking big fish?

Looking back to Ken's wish list, who the heck needs a mouse with PowerPoint buttons on the back? Can't you just use the forward and back buttons on far more stylish mice like the Logitech G7 like normal people?

Everyone loves huge fish, and heck, they aren't that hard to find anyway. They're entertaining, they sing (or make some weird noises when you take them out of the water), they make great friends, and hell, if they die, you won't feel too sad because you always turn them into a nice dish of Ikan Asam Pedas.

To illustrate my point, the huge fish even pales in comparison to the other two choices in the picture below! Woohoo!

No matter what fetish (Disclaimer : No, I do not hump fish) or less morally-ambiguous hobby you're into, I assure you that a huge fish is still better than some dumb mouse which honestly won't make your shitty PowerPoint slides look any better, or your ignorance about what you're presenting any worse.

All in all, huge fish are awesome and helluva far more useful than a dinky, cheesy mouse. I support Bill Gates and his philanthropic movement and all, but I'm not giving him any money for some butt-ugly mouse, especially when comparing it with a freakishly large fish, that is.

For Huge Fish, visit...wait, who the heck sells giant fish? Hmm...I bet Tesco does.


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